Perhaps.

A word that's been stuck in my mind for the past few hours.

Perhaps this will only be the furthest we could go. Perhaps everything will be alright and remain unchanged. Perhaps I'm just thinking too damn much.

I can't shake this feeling that what I want isn't really what I want. Don't ask me to explain this to you because I myself don't understand what I'm talking about.

Let me try to put this whole thing in a philosophical way instead of a whiny way.

Life is just like an amusement park (I hope I didn't get this off from somewhere). There's the merry go round, the ferris wheel, the roller coasters, the game booths etc.

In life, you have a daily routine which you follow without fail, unknowingly: getting up in the morning, getting ready for the day, saying hellos and goodbyes to people in school/work, having meals and blahs. Now, imagine being on a merry go round. You sit on that animal/mermaid/cartoon character for the whole ride and every time it goes around, nothing inside the merry go round changes. It's technically the same. You're on the ride and you're enjoying it for the first couple of rounds. On the 3rd round, you start to get bored and wonder when will the ride end. I think this is somewhat like our mid-life crisis (although I think I'm not there yet). Of course, when you're on the ride, you'll notice people watching you from the sidelines, friends, family or strangers. Some people may just look at you and walk away before you even finish your first round, whereas some other people would smile because you're having fun. Just like in life, some people can't bear to see others happy while they don't get any "action" whereas some people (who we call 'true friends') will be genuinely happy for you. Try getting on the merry go round with someone you absolutely loathe. Would the ride be happy for you? Now imagine halfway through you make someone you enjoy hanging out with to jump in. The whole ride changes but before you get to fully enjoy it, the ride ends. Same goes on with life. Don't fake your life with people who can't bring happiness to you because life is too fucking short and when you finally admit or acknowledge that you should spend your life with someone else, it's slightly too late.

Ferris wheel. In case you don't know what is it, I feel sorry for your childhood. To get on the ferris wheel, you start from the very bottom of the ride. I guess it represents your career. You need to start from the bottom and work your way up, slowly. I'm not saying that it's impossible to get to the top immediately, but imagine someone trying to get on the ride straight from the top. Where will the excitement of the ride be? Going down? Everything goes dull there because there's no better view than your starting point. Plus, how is someone going to get into the highest coach on the ferris wheel? Parachute down? Climb up the ferris wheel skeleton? Not to say it's impossible but with one wrong move, everything could end right that instance.

Once you've reached the top and finished enjoying that extraordinary view, you need to realize that your time is up and you have to pass the joy to the next person in line. You have to leave your glory moments behind and get back down to the ground and be humble to guide the next person up on this trip.

Have you ever tried to win a prize from an amusement park but failed miserably? Have you thought that, perhaps if you kept going, and with the experience you've gained from the failures, you could have won the biggest prize in the booth? But you gave up before you tried. It's not about the talent or skills you have, but the experience. So what you have a good aiming? If you've never held that ball in your hands and tried to throw it, you wouldn't know how much force you need it to hit that aimed spot of yours. The ball could be too light for you to throw and reach your target, or the ball might've been designed in a way that it counteracts with the air and flies to a different direction.

As much as I love amusement parks, I'm terrified of it as well. The traveling fun fair kinds, I meant. You wouldn't know that with so many places to travel and all, they might not have time to properly maintain the rides or screwing it in place. Meh.


Midnight thoughts.

Yup.

So I'm blogging again.

Let's talk about my feelings, finally.


The same problem all over again. I don't know what I want for the future. You know how some girls just think that they want to get married to the perfect guy and just live happily ever after with no troubles or burden because it's all left for the husband to worry? Well, I try not to be that kind of girl. I mean, sure I wanna be married to the perfect guy and live happily ever after, but I still wanna live the life the way I want to. I still wanna achieve the dreams I had. It's not like he's holding me back or something, it's just that, people change. I changed.

And I don't know whether I like this me or not.

I don't know who I am anymore.

Come to think of it, I'm an awful human being.

Sometimes I just think, he deserves someone better. Not some hot-tempered, irrational, slobby, jealous girlfriend.

Looks like my New York dream is shattered. No more New York for me. LA? Hah, I doubt I even have the chance to be accepted. Like I said, everyone around me is so fucking talented and here I am, having the talent of the loudest nose-blow.

But you know what? New year, new me.

I'm gonna learn to NOT give up, like how I do every single time. I'm gonna learn to SUCK IT UP and stop whining about it. I'm gonna learn how to be genuinely happy for people. I'm gonna learn how to stop being a jealous bitch in everything. Stop being so hot tempered, stop being so impatient, stop being so irrational, stop being so fucking dumb. Academics aren't all that.

I will change. Change into a better me. For my parents, for my brother, for my friends (who matter), and for him.

New year, new me. Yup.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

Well, I'm not really giving up on anything. It's just the song that was stuck in my mind.

So, hi. After not touching you for more than a year, I am back.

I noticed that I'm more likely to blog whenever I read. I just got back to reading novels after a long gap in between, oh, how I missed the feeling of frustration and the flooding of my emotions, pouring out like it had been confined for an eternal.

So this reading thing restarted out with Allegiant, the final installment of Veronica Roth's Divergent trilogy. I loved Divergent and Insurgent, both which I read in Switzerland, and I was dying for the third book. I remember googling information about the third book and all I got was Veronica Roth's joke about the third book's title would be Detergent. Anyways after a year of *agonizing (not so)* waiting, I finally got Allegiant. The book started out alright, with the middle part slightly confusing *spoiler alert* because there was so many deception and new characters were introduced and they teamed up with a new gang to fight the bad people but turns out the new gang was also lying and there was more lies and deception and chaos. Fighting and sacrificing and kissing and loving and fighting and suddenly, SOMEONE IMPORTANT DIES. That really shook me. I kept reading on, in hopes that the character would pop up and just say "I wouldn't die, you idiot". But nooooooooooo. The other half has to live on with grief and guilt and remorse. How could you, Veronica. They could've lived happily ever after in a better world which was made possible because of that dead character of yours with perfect little beautiful babies. The book gave me a big nope. Nope nope and nope. It was lucky that it was already late at night and I was alone reading this book because I cried.

So I just read The Fault In Our Stars by John Green, like finally. It's been almost two years that I intended on buying and reading it, but finally this year I got to it and I finished it in a single day. I have to say, I cried. Like a baby.

*spoiler alert*

You don't just create some prefect flawless character (although he had only one leg, but he was still perfect) and then just kill him off. You don't do that.

But still, I find that the story was beautifully written. True love portrayed was sweet but not cheesy, fiction but not fake. They were just, what, 16 years old? And they have to go through all these?

Two days later, which is today, I started and finished Looking for Alaska which also is by John Green. I see similarities of his writing in this novel and The Fault in our Stars. Nevertheless, this book won the Printz Award and it was Green's debut novel. It's about a seemed-to-be boring guy, Miles Halter, who meets trouble-seeking, fun and gorgeous Alaska Young. Again, there's *spoiler alert* death in this story, which is AGAIN a big NOPE for me. It was all so sudden. I kept reading and reading and reading because of the title. I thought she wasn't dead, and they will start on an adventure to look for her. Turns out it wasn't that kind of "looking". The title is true though, they WERE looking for Alaska.

Anyways regarding the title, it was because of this awesome cover by my friend Emily and her brother Jeremy, whose voice I did not recognize because I haven't heard him since like 5 years ago when he was yet to reach puberty.


Have I mentioned, I love reading?