I love my memories

Perhaps.

A word that's been stuck in my mind for the past few hours.

Perhaps this will only be the furthest we could go. Perhaps everything will be alright and remain unchanged. Perhaps I'm just thinking too damn much.

I can't shake this feeling that what I want isn't really what I want. Don't ask me to explain this to you because I myself don't understand what I'm talking about.

Let me try to put this whole thing in a philosophical way instead of a whiny way.

Life is just like an amusement park (I hope I didn't get this off from somewhere). There's the merry go round, the ferris wheel, the roller coasters, the game booths etc.

In life, you have a daily routine which you follow without fail, unknowingly: getting up in the morning, getting ready for the day, saying hellos and goodbyes to people in school/work, having meals and blahs. Now, imagine being on a merry go round. You sit on that animal/mermaid/cartoon character for the whole ride and every time it goes around, nothing inside the merry go round changes. It's technically the same. You're on the ride and you're enjoying it for the first couple of rounds. On the 3rd round, you start to get bored and wonder when will the ride end. I think this is somewhat like our mid-life crisis (although I think I'm not there yet). Of course, when you're on the ride, you'll notice people watching you from the sidelines, friends, family or strangers. Some people may just look at you and walk away before you even finish your first round, whereas some other people would smile because you're having fun. Just like in life, some people can't bear to see others happy while they don't get any "action" whereas some people (who we call 'true friends') will be genuinely happy for you. Try getting on the merry go round with someone you absolutely loathe. Would the ride be happy for you? Now imagine halfway through you make someone you enjoy hanging out with to jump in. The whole ride changes but before you get to fully enjoy it, the ride ends. Same goes on with life. Don't fake your life with people who can't bring happiness to you because life is too fucking short and when you finally admit or acknowledge that you should spend your life with someone else, it's slightly too late.

Ferris wheel. In case you don't know what is it, I feel sorry for your childhood. To get on the ferris wheel, you start from the very bottom of the ride. I guess it represents your career. You need to start from the bottom and work your way up, slowly. I'm not saying that it's impossible to get to the top immediately, but imagine someone trying to get on the ride straight from the top. Where will the excitement of the ride be? Going down? Everything goes dull there because there's no better view than your starting point. Plus, how is someone going to get into the highest coach on the ferris wheel? Parachute down? Climb up the ferris wheel skeleton? Not to say it's impossible but with one wrong move, everything could end right that instance.

Once you've reached the top and finished enjoying that extraordinary view, you need to realize that your time is up and you have to pass the joy to the next person in line. You have to leave your glory moments behind and get back down to the ground and be humble to guide the next person up on this trip.

Have you ever tried to win a prize from an amusement park but failed miserably? Have you thought that, perhaps if you kept going, and with the experience you've gained from the failures, you could have won the biggest prize in the booth? But you gave up before you tried. It's not about the talent or skills you have, but the experience. So what you have a good aiming? If you've never held that ball in your hands and tried to throw it, you wouldn't know how much force you need it to hit that aimed spot of yours. The ball could be too light for you to throw and reach your target, or the ball might've been designed in a way that it counteracts with the air and flies to a different direction.

As much as I love amusement parks, I'm terrified of it as well. The traveling fun fair kinds, I meant. You wouldn't know that with so many places to travel and all, they might not have time to properly maintain the rides or screwing it in place. Meh.


Midnight thoughts.